Setting: December 27^th, 2019, 10:00 a.m., apartment complex fitness center, Maryville, TN

[In an effort to keep Raymond & Shirley active and physically fit, Steve and Janet are giving them a fitness center orientation. While Steve, Janet, and Shirley run and walk on the treadmills, Raymond flexes his 86-year-old biceps with the help of some dumbbells. He’s in a long-sleeve, button down shirt and slacks—easily the best dressed person working out today in Blount County. After Steve finishes, he invites Raymond over to the treadmill to walk him through the various functions. Raymond nervously steps onto the running belt.]

Steve: You can “set a goal” with this button, and then set your “time” or “distance” here, and then adjust your “speed” here. 

Raymond: Okay.

Steve: If anything goes wrong, you can hit the “Stop” button or pull the string on this shutoff magnet and everything will stop.

Raymond: Good to know.

Steve: Just to get you started, I’m going to put you at 1.5 miles per hour, kind of a casual walking pace.

Raymond: Sounds good.

[Steve adjusts the speed to 1.5 mph and Raymond begins walking, his little legs in perfect rhythm. All is well. Moments later, Shirley ends her workout and walks over to Raymond’s machine. She has a concerned look on her face, not unlike when she first met Steve.]

Shirley: 1.5? That’s not very fast. 

Raymond: Just trying it out.

Shirley: I did 2.6 miles per hour over there. You’re not going very fast.

Raymond: I’m fine. Really.

Shirley: You’re barely moving. Let me adjust you upward a bit, at least to a 2. 

[I admire a woman who wants to bring out the best in her man.]

Raymond: I don’t know about that.

[With Steve looking on and Raymond grimacing, Shirley reaches for the speed button. Rather than tap it incrementally, she presses firmly and holds it down. The machine responds. In fact, in approximately 1.5 seconds, Raymond is launched down the spinning belt to a speed of 6.5 miles per hour! With everyone looking on in shock and horror (most especially, Raymond), Steve glances down in time to see Raymond’s legs churning like the Roadrunner’s, just as Wile E. Coyote is about to munch down on him.]

Raymond (in the closest he will ever come to an expletive): Shirl!

Janet: Momma!

Steve: Poppa!

[With a disaster unfolding before our eyes, and Raymond catapulting down the belt, Steve reaches for the emergency shutoff magnet with his right hand, while his left hand reaches for the backside of Raymond’s trousers. Steve jerks the magnet. Suddenly everything stops as Raymond regains his balance. The room is still and awkwardly quiet.]

Steve: So, anyway, that’s how that thing works.

To be continued…