Janet and I are heading to Birmingham this weekend for the wedding of long-time family friend, Carolyn Diamond, and her fiancée, Jay Rucks. 

The Diamond family—Brad, Jenny, and their three girls, Carolyn, Mary Brook, and Ann Marie—are the quintessential kind, Christian family who light up the lives of everyone they’re around. When we moved to Brandon, Florida in 2008, Jenny was the first to knock on our door, introduce herself, and hand us a homemade pie. The only thing sweeter than the pie was Jenny herself. Regardless of the miles between us, her family has been with us, in one way or another, ever since.

I have vivid memories of little, red-headed Carolyn running around our living room as a child. She enjoyed games and everyone’s company, but also had the ability to go into her own little world while singing or, better yet, dancing. It’s no surprise she’s marrying a fellow, very talented dancer. Janet and I were blessed with two boys, but no girls, so Carolyn and her sisters have always been the daughters we never had. And now she’s getting married. That makes me feel old. 

Although not technically Carolyn’s uncle, I wanted to be the “helpful uncle” for her wedding, so I reached out to the family…

“Do you need someone to officiate? I’ve done that before.”

“No, we got that covered.”

“How about someone to sing? I do a pretty good rendition of Stevie Nick’s ‘Edge of Seventeen’.”

“No. Thanks, Big Steve, but our music is all set.”

“How about Best Man? I could spend some time over the next few months getting to know Jay.”

“No, I think Jay’s got a plan for Best Man. Someone he knows. Plus, you know, with COVID and all.”

After three strikes, I gave up. Uncle Steve (well, not technically an uncle) would be reduced to a bystander, a mere audience member. 

Just when all hope seemed lost, Jenny texted me. She felt as guilty as I felt distraught. I was back in play. The prodigal “uncle” had been summoned.

“Hey Big Steve, at the rehearsal dinner, or maybe the reception, we want you to do the Shoe Game with Carolyn and Jay. We want you to be the Shoe Game Guy. Are you interested?”

The Shoe Game Guy.

Was I bitter about her offer? No, not at all. Why would I be?

Was I hurt? Define hurt.

Will I hold this against the Diamond family? Certainly not. I’m bigger than that.

Why? Because Shoe Game Guys are the unsung heroes of any wedding event. While the Bride and Groom, parents, Best Man and Maid of Honor get top billing, what would a wedding be without the Shoe Game? And how are you gonna play the Shoe Game without a Shoe Game Guy?

I accepted Jenny’s offer. Thus, Uncle (not technically) Steve, among the Top 100 people without red hair that Carolyn admires, will be leading the happy couple through a series of revealing questions, aided only by 2 pairs of shoes.

Since I won’t be officiating, or giving a Best Man speech, or even a Distant, Uncle-like Figure Who Thinks He’s Relevant speech, I will not have a platform on wedding weekend to share my favorite Carolyn Diamond memories. That’s unfortunate.

But “Uncle” Steve does have a blog, so here goes. Jay, future husband, this is what you need to know about Carolyn…what you’re getting yourself into:

Episode 1 – The Hermit Crab. 

During our Fishhawk days in Florida, the young Diamond girls had a variety of pets—gerbils, rabbits, fish, dogs, etc. Whenever we went to their home to play games, there was always a pet store vibe about the place. One summer, they acquired a pet hermit crab. Cutest thing…you would have liked it. One day, the girls apparently went out on the driveway and were playing toss with Little Hermie. Unfortunately, he bounced off someone’s hand and fell to the asphalt. As the girls screamed, Hermie lay there, still alive, but motionless. His soft, fleshy torso was visible through cracks in his shell…like something you’d see at Red Lobster.

Brad, the consummate father, did what fathers have to do, especially when non-technical uncles like me aren’t present. With a handful of salt and a rubber mallet, Brad put Hermie down. Though Jenny shielded her young girls’ eyes from the carnage, their eyes welled with tears. To this day, I get emotional thinking about that poor, helpless crab. Not just his death, but what must have been going through the decapod crustacean’s mind in those final seconds as he free-fell toward earth.

Wanting to heal the emotional wounds of these precious girls, like any non-technical uncle would, I wrote a poem about the incident to cheer them up. I emailed it to Jenny. Folks, it was a good poem—insightful, funny, one of my best. Jenny wrote back, “Thanks, Big Steve, but I can’t give this to them. It’s too soon. They’re too sensitive. You don’t have girls.”

That stung a bit, not unlike when your offer to serve as Best Man at a wedding is rejected. I kept thinking, “Too sensitive? They were playing catch with a hermit crab, for goodness sake!”

Jay, before saying “I do,” and before acquiring any family pet, know what you’re getting into.

Episode 2 – The Halloween Globe.

It may be hard for you to imagine, but I haven’t always been this thin. I used to have that middle-aged man, softish belly…the kind that absorbs your finger when you poke it. But it was not like other flabby bellies. I had the unique ability—some would say talent—to fully inflate my stomach, making it look like a giant globe. Don’t ask me to demonstrate this talent as my now taut, non-inflatable six-pack precludes me from doing so.

Anyway, at a Halloween party at our home, featuring S’mores and pumpkin carving, young Carolyn saw my giant, exposed, inflated stomach and became not just curious, but intrigued. She approached Uncle (not technically) Big Steve and asked me, “Can I paint your stomach bright orange, like a pumpkin?”

What kind of sick, demented, creepy child asks a middle-aged man if she can paint his inflated stomach orange? The same child who plays toss with a pet hermit crab!

Jay, know what you’re getting into. 

Am I looking forward to Jay and Carolyn’s wedding? You bet. The love, the gathering of family and friends, the exchange of heartfelt vows. 

But, mostly, I’m looking forward to the heart and sole of any wedding…the Shoe Game.

With much love,

“Uncle” Steve, Shoe Game Guy