“Baby, There’s Noise Inside”…written by Steve Johnson on the occasion of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” being banned by some radio stations for its insensitivity…and on the occasion of his wife buying him mini-CPAP smear nose plugs for Christmas for his alleged snoring.

(You plugged my airway) But, baby, there’s noise inside
(They’ll lock you away) But, baby, there’s noise inside
(My snoring has been) Been hopin’ your nose’ll cave in
(So very nice) I’ll put your nostrils in a vice

(The plugs cause me pain) Your snoring sounds like a train
(My friends will file suits) Your snoring’s worse than your toots
(Can’t help that my nasal clogs) But you keep sawing those logs
(Well, maybe cut me some slack) You so deserve all this flack

(The neighbors might think) Baby, it’s loud in here
(Their marriage must stink) No baby, it’s loud in here
(I’ll look so strange) But it’s time for a change
(In my baby C-Pap) Comply, hon, don’t give me no crap

(I ought to say no, no, no, ma’am) Your breath is a battering ram
(I’ll have to swallow my pride) Be thankful I’m still your bride
(You plugged my airway) Baby, you know that 
[Both] Baby, there’s noise inside

(I simply must exhale) But, baby, there’s noise inside
(I can’t let you prevail) But, baby, there’s noise inside
(The nose plugs went in) Your snoring’s a sin
(Now I drool down my chin) Perhaps I’ll still be your friend

(My friends will be suspicious) What I’ve done is not malicious
(I can’t help it that I snore) It’s more like a lion’s roar
(What if I stop breathin’?) At least you’re not wheezin’
(I look like a dork) I could have shanked you with a fork

(You plugged my airway) But, baby, there’s noise inside
(They’ll lock you away) But, baby, there’s noise inside
(My snoring has been) Been hopin’ your nose’ll cave in
(So very nice) I’ll put your nostrils in a vice

(It’s time to plan my escape) Don’t make me use the duct tape
(When they find that I died) That means it’s quiet inside
(You plugged my airway) Guess today’s not your day

[Both] Baby, there’s noise inside!