Saturday, May 26

On a first trip to Seattle, there are certain things one must do: ride to the top of the Space Needle, drink coffee with local hipsters, eat homemade mini donuts while walking around Pikes Place, watch cheese being made, watch men toss salmon at the fish market, take a ferry ride in Puget Sound, and visit Chittenden Locks. We did all that last year. Love the place!

On a second trip to Seattle, during a 9-hour layover, the list is reduced to 2 items: drink coffee with local hipsters and eat mini-donuts. Those were my two priorities today.

After storing our bags at the Sea-Tac airport USO, we took a train to downtown Seattle and rendezvoused with the rest of our traveling clan. Kyle led us to Caffe Ladro, his favorite of the 1,692 coffee shops in Seattle. He and Laci shared honey lavender coffee there during their honeymoon a couple years ago. They would do so again today.

On our way into the coffee shop, I noticed a pickup truck loaded with flowers parked in a no parking area in front of the store. The driver was slumped over the steering wheel, as if asleep. This would be weird in most contexts, but wasn’t even in the Top 10 of odd/unusual people I’d seen on our 10-minute walk from the train station.

About half way through our coffee experience, we noticed a police officer approaching the back of the truck. After looking inside the truck, he backed up behind it, un-holstered his gun, pointed it at the driver, and called for backup. I assume the guy had something threatening in the seat, like a red MAGA cap.

The cop motioned for us to get out of the way, as sipping coffee behind a large window next to a police bust is not a recommended excursion on TripAdvisor. Continuing to sip our lattes, we shuffled through a side door and huddled in an adjoining lobby, just as 3 more cops arrived. These Alaska tours are awesome!

As the scene unfolded outside, I sang “Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do? Watcha gonna do when they come for you?” Moments later, the police, inspired by my song, stormed the vehicle and dragged the man to the ground. We jumped at the chance to exit the lobby and hurry down the street to safety.

Our next stop was the mini-donut shop at Pikes Place. I stood in line for 20 minutes to buy 3 dozen for our group. As we feasted on these tiny lumps of breaded wonder, one of the members of our group shared a personal story.

It seems the gentleman has Irritable Bowel Syndrome. For the purpose of the story, I’ll call him D-Wibs—Dude with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’m not familiar with the condition, but my understanding is that when constipated, D-Wibs gets a bit snippy.

As I munched on my third cinnamon mini donut, D-Wibs shared that his condition sometimes causes him embarrassment in public restrooms. Specifically, his bowels make loud sputtering noises, like a Chevy with a damaged catalytic converter. We’ve all been there.

On a recent occasion, he was in the stall blowing trouser clouds at regular intervals, about 20 seconds apart. In an adjoining stall, a boy began anticipating the explosions, and whistling in advance to announce their arrival. Together, these two strangers could have scored the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan.

Consistent with his condition, D-Wibs became irritated. After finishing up, he waited outside the teen’s stall. According to D-Wibs, he wanted the boy to have to look in the eyes of the man he had whistle-taunted and fart-bullied…the man with Irritable Bowels. And that’s what happened…and that’s how the story ended. As a Fob W Pot, I appreciate the burden D-Wibs carries, and the bowel-shaming he endures in public restrooms and swimming pools. I plan to give him a hug each morning.

With donut powder still framing our lips, we returned to the airport by train and caught the 9 pm flight to Fairbanks, Alaska. I was thrilled to step foot off the plane and claim my 48th state!

As we were shuttled over to our Princess Cruises-owned hotel just passed midnight, I wondered about the recommended packing list. Specifically, they tell you to pack a flashlight. Why? After all, it was after midnight and still light outside!

A night with no darkness–that’s weird. A flower-toting, pickup truck driving guy getting jacked up by Seattle police–a little weird. A teen whistling in concert with my friend’s irritable bowels–weird as well.

Yes, it’s been a weirdly exciting day. But we’re in Alaska and super pumped for the opportunity to explore the Final Frontier!