Setting: November 27, 2019; apartment complex breezeway, Maryville, Tennessee
Narrator: Today’s the day. An idea that’s been contemplated for the past 18 months will finally come to fruition. Steve and Janet are about to welcome Janet’s parents, Raymond and Shirley, into their home. For good. Well, sort of. This Thanksgiving weekend visit comes two weeks prior to their official arrival and move in. They’re here now just to check out their new digs and begin the settling process. New doctor. New bank. New church family. Most importantly, they want a new, power, dual-reclining, catnapper loveseat with center console. When you’ve lived 8+ decades, your furniture opinions are as firm as a ball of play-dough left out of its Tupperware overnight.
Steve: Welcome home! Be careful with the steps. There are 19 of them.
Shirley: Janet said there was 15.
Steve: We’re off by 4. That doesn’t surprise me. How was your trip?
Raymond: Rained buckets. But we’re here. Only got lost once.
Janet: You should use that GPS system we got you a few years ago.
Raymond: It’s in the glove compartment.
Steve: They don’t work as well in there.
Shirley: We don’t really use GPS. Clarence printed us a map.
{After a quick apartment tour, the four settle in the living room.}
Janet: After lunch, the plan is to go by Eddie’s office, then get you set up at the bank, then furniture shop.
Steve: You use a local bank? I haven’t stepped foot inside a bank in 25 years. Have you thought about mobile banking? We do everything, even apply for loans, just using our phone.
Shirley: We’re not comfortable with mobile banking. Don’t really trust it. Our phones aren’t smart. We like banking in person with a teller or someone across from us.
Raymond: But we’re ready to make a furniture purchase.
Steve: Oh, yeah?
Raymond: Yeah, we sold the old pickup truck.
Shirley: And our cemetery lots.
Steve: Where are we supposed to put you when you die?
Shirley: We decided to be cremated and have our ashes put together in an urn.
Steve: I figured Raymond would want his ashes spread under the bridge in South Carolina where he and Clarence fish.
Raymond: That’s an option?
Shirley: You don’t want those crappie eating your ashes.
Steve: Revenge of the crappie.
{Three hours later, after visits to the bank, the doctor’s office, and two furniture stores, the four are at Farmer’s Furniture. Shirley is lying horizontal on a power catnapper with a salesman hovering over her.}
Shirley: I think this is the one. I like the catnapper.
Raymond: Are you sure? Is it comfortable, Shirley?
Steve {under his breath}: It is comfortable…and don’t call her Shirley.
Shirley: Yes, this one will do.
Janet: When they can’t sleep at night, which is often, they move to their loveseat.
Salesman: I understand. This is one of our most popular models. Comes with the spring headrest, memory foam, and a 1-year warranty. We can give you the Black Friday price today and have it delivered this afternoon.
Shirley: We’ll take it.
Salesman: If you’ll step over here we’ll do the paperwork.
Raymond: I need to go to the bathroom.
Shirley: You just went.
Raymond: For the money.
Steve: Your money’s in the bathroom?
Raymond: It’s in my shoe.
Steve: Say what?
Raymond: When I sold the old truck, the guy paid me cash. And I didn’t want to put it in my wallet, in case we got robbed. So, I put it in my shoe.
Steve: You put the cash in your shoe?
{Raymond smiles.}
Steve: Banks are overrated.
Shirley: Raymond told me, “In case I die, take my shoes off before they cremate me.”
Janet: So why do you need to go to the bathroom?
Raymond: To get the money. I don’t want to take my shoes off in the store.
Steve: Because department store bathrooms are more hygienic. I get it now.
Raymond: You ever do that? Put cash in your shoe?
Steve: Nah, I’m not really comfortable with mobile banking.
To be continued…
